"We were always confident.. still we are surprised at how effective this expensive beaurocracy is at exacerbating a relatively simple problem", said Marcia Vouterini of UNH Parking Authority. "We successfully identified and eliminated the most common parking options". Roadside parking, the most common parking in the world, is prohibited in most of Durham, leaving miles of unused road shoulders open.
Authorities from UNH transportation and the Durham Parking Cabal today announced success in phase one of the multi-phase multi-million dollar project to bring big city parking problems to small town Durham, New Hampshire. Cabal planners spoke from a stretch of unused tarmac near the University center, in front of a banner proclaiming "Mission Accomplished".
Other benefits of the plan were lauded by Sociology Dept. Prof. Ann Schoomaker: "The students should see an example of how big money shouldn't necessarily move to solve problems. Keeping the problems alive keeps the flow of money alive". Her students have paid more than $10,000 in parking fees incurred during her lectures. Schumaker also works as a consultant for the Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) and the Council on Anti-Terrorism and Foreign Relations.
Vouterini addressed a small crowd of reporters on the main accomplishments of phase one of the operation. "By demolishing some lots, and no longer considering teaching and research assistants to be 'staff', we have a much larger population of drivers with incentive to park illegally" she said before rubbing her thumb against her fingers in universal sign language.
Operation No Parking reports Mission Accomplished
Above: a stretch of road successfully free of parked cars, which could impede passage of students walking to West Edge lot.